Aftermath

The news of Nett’s death brought enormous sadness to so many people whose lives she had touched so deeply.  Messages of condolence poured in and there was much sympathy extended to both Peter and myself in our time of mourning.

In these early days after her death, both Peter and I had a strong feeling that Nett was smiling down at us from the sky above.  Perhaps she was wanting to reassure us  that all was well with her in her new home and that she wanted to send her love to us.  Both of us got some comfort from this.

We had to organise Nett’s funeral.  She herself had used White Lady Funerals for the services for both Michael and Sandra so it was appropriate that we would use them for her too.  We met with them to choose her casket, agree on the wording of her death notice, arrange for a viewing of her body, specify that she would be cremated, choose the Northern Suburbs Crematorium as the venue,  plus many other details.

We wanted to make this very much a family affair.  Yvette’s father, Ian, would conduct the service, I would present the Eulogy, Peter would present the Tribute and Yvette would read out the messages from those who could not be present on the occasion.  Peter and Yvette designed a beautiful Order of Service card and Yvette and I selected photos from different periods of Nett’s life to be displayed as a slide show during the service.  Nett herself had chosen the music that she wanted played at appropriate moments during the service.  Beyond that she gave no directives as to how the service should be conducted.  She left that to Peter and myself.  Her chosen pieces were “Imagine” by John Lennon, “Blueberry Hill” by Fats Domino and “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen.

Peter and I viewed Nett’s body the day before the service.  Peter brought a bougainvillea flower from her garden to place in her hands then left me with her.  Words cannot express the shock and disbelief that I felt in seeing her face so serene and yet her body so cold and lifeless.  At her request I had her dressed in an old favourite pink nightdress in which I had seen her hundreds of times.  I must have talked to her for at least half an hour, but I have no recollection of what I said.  I could not believe that she was not responding to my words as she always had in life.  I hugged her and kissed her, still unable to comprehend that over 52 years of life together had come to this.  Even now I have great difficulty in accepting that this has happened.  I could have stayed talking to her and gazing at her forever.  Eventually I forced myself to say my last farewell and drag myself away, knowing with infinite sadness and grief that I would never see her face again.

Then, that evening, on the eve of Nett’s funeral, a terrible tragedy occurred.  Yvette’s mother, Marie, died suddenly and unexpectedly at home.  This was an enormous shock to everyone.  She appeared to have suffered a stroke or aneurysm or some sort of brain seizure.  Whatever the cause, it meant that Ian and Yvette were completely unable to play their parts in Nett’s funeral service the next day.

The service went ahead with this enormous double tragedy overhanging everything.  Peter took on Ian’s role, and did so magnificently under the circumstances, especially considering that he had little sleep the night before.  Nett’s brother Robert read the messages in Yvette’s place.  Nett’s chosen music pieces were especially uplifting.  In the end we managed to get through the occasion.  Ian and Yvette attended despite the sudden shock of what they had been through.  Leo and Miles were completely bewildered by the inexplicable loss of both their grandmothers within eight days of each other.

Here is a link to a Youtube video of the ceremony.  It’s an unlisted video, that is it cannot be found by searching Youtube, only via this link:  https://youtu.be/X9yjQkAquDo

These are the lyrics for the songs that Nett chose:

Imagine

Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky

Hallelujah

 

This is my Eulogy that I prepared and read at the service:

This is my tribute to my beloved life partner, Annette.  We were together for over 50 years.  We were as close as any couple can be.  Her loss is something that can never be overcome, not just for me but also for her family and her close friends.

Let me just begin with a few brief biographical details. As Annette Carter (always called Nett in her family) she was born in Junee and grew up in Campbelltown.  She trained to be a District Officer in what was then the NSW Child Welfare Department and was posted to Canberra.  She met me there and married me.  We travelled overseas for three years before returning to Sydney.  We had two beautiful sons, Michael and Peter.  We settled in Turramurra where we eventually lived for over 40 years.  We travelled some more, then had to face the tragic loss of our older son, Michael.  Two equally beautiful grandsons, Leo and Miles, later came into the world.  And then came Nett’s final illness.

People have often commented on how two such different personalities as Nett and myself ever even got together, much less fell in love.  Nett was a classically right-brained personality: artistic, imaginative, intuitive.  I was the complete opposite, a left-brained logic-and-numbers nerd.  We often joked that no dating agency would ever have matched us together!  Yet match up we did.

Now I want to talk more about the kind of person she was.  The first thing you saw about her when you met her was her warm and engaging smile.  It was beautiful and it lit up the world around her.  And it was not a fake smile.  She genuinely liked and cared about people.  She showed this by working for her whole career in child welfare where the staff dropout rate was huge.  In her kindness and generosity towards her clients she often went well beyond the limits of departmental regulations.  She transformed countless lives in helping and guiding young people to a better future.

She was equally warm, gentle and generous in her personal life.  People naturally gravitated to her just to feel her aura.  She always believed in the best of everyone, and often chided me whenever I said anything less than charitable about anyone.  She was always ready with a helping hand or a sympathetic ear.  She gave generously to charities, particularly overseas ones.  But her greatest act of charity, I have always sincerely believed, was to marry me, and I have counted my blessings for this ever since.

She was also very intelligent despite having to leave school early.  She had brains as well as beauty, as I said many times.  She completed several units towards an Arts degree, scoring credits in most of them.  She was an accomplished bridge player, gaining the rank of regional master.  We partnered each other almost exclusively.  Her imaginative flair and my attempted logic often led to hilarious misunderstandings, but we always had a lot of fun.  She claimed to have low numeracy skills, but no-one can be any kind of bridge player without being reasonably numerate. 

She also formed a small but close-knit book club which met once a month at our home.  She proved to be an excellent discussion leader.  We always had enjoyable conversations on family matters, travels and our solutions to the problems of the world.  We even discussed books occasionally!  The club ran for ten years until last year.  Nett’s increasing illnesses prevented us from meeting again except for a most enjoyable Christmas lunch last December.  It’s really good to see that all of the members of the club are gathered again here today for one last meeting.

Pleasant and agreeable though Nett always was, she also had great strength of mind.  She needed this to deal with the two great tragedies that marked her life.  Fifteen years ago our older son Michael fell ill with kidney failure in India.  She rushed over with the intention of bringing him home for treatment, but he died before this could be arranged.  Nett was left utterly alone in a strange country until Peter and I could join her.  She showed enormous strength of character in dealing with male-centric bureaucracies to overcome many obstacles.

Her final great tragedy came just over two years ago with a diagnosis of peritoneal cancer, which is a worse form of ovarian cancer.  Immediate surgery and a course of chemotherapy gave her twelve months of remission before the cancer returned.  Other complications then intervened which meant that she was never able to regain enough strength to go through another course of chemotherapy.  Last week the cancer finally claimed her.  Through all of this, her great personal strength and resilience stood out.  She was in a lot of pain for the whole two years but did her best to live a normal life.  We managed short trips to Norfolk Island and the Torres Strait Islands last year.  She carried out all the normal functions of daily life and always retained a positive outlook.  She was never bitter or angry at her fate, although she had every reason to be.  Her beautiful nature shone through to her very last days.

Over the last few months I made one last request of her.  I asked her to write her life story.  I wanted something that would in future years bring to life my memories of her.  She threw herself into this last project and several chapters have now been produced.  This is a wonderful story in the making.  She took it to the point where we had just married and were heading off for our first overseas trip together.  She knew she could do no more and asked me to write the rest of it.  Since I was with her from then on I am able to do this.  I hope to have a complete biography by the end of this year.  Nett wrote her part of it as a gift to me but the full story will be freely available to anyone who wants it   Several people have already expressed an interest in it.  So, if anyone here would also like to receive a copy when it’s finally completed, then please let me know. 

I would now like to pay tribute to the wonderful doctors and nurses who did so much to make Nett’s life as comfortable and pain-free as possible during these last two years.  Nett spent more than half of this year in one hospital or another, which she absolutely hated.  The Northern Cancer Institute at St Leonards were most professional and caring in her initial chemotherapy treatment which gave her a year’s remission.  When the cancer eventually came back, as it inevitably would, a second chemo course was initiated but had to be cut short when she contracted meningitis and was rushed to the Royal North Shore Hospital.  The specialists there performed medical miracles in bringing her back from almost certain death.  Back home she then suffered deep vein thrombosis with a blood clot in her leg.  This prevented her from exercising to regain the necessary strength to resume chemotherapy.  So the cancer ran unchecked through her body and eventually entered her lungs.  This time there could be no reprieve.  She spent her final days under palliative care at Neringah Hospital.  The staff there were wonderful in ensuring that she was free from pain to the end.  I am so grateful to them for this.

Nett, as I have said before, was never angry or bitter at the cruel fate that dealt her such bad cards in the end.  She said that, at the age of 78, she could not complain that her life had been cut short.  She firmly believed that she’d had a good life.  That is all that matters. 

Yesterday, Peter and I viewed Nett’s body.  Her face was so beautiful and serene.  For the first time in a long time she was free from pain.  She is now in a better place.  We are left to pick up the pieces in this world that she has left behind, a world that is so much the poorer for her absence. 

Goodbye Nett.  I’ll always love you and I’ll miss you terribly.

Thank you all for being here for her.

These are the images from Nett’s life that were played throughout the service:

 

 

 

After this service I had two more visits to the Northern Suburbs Crematorium.  Marie Hamilton’s funeral was held there the following week.   Then, after that, I went there to bring Nett’s ashes home. 

They remained here for over three years.  She had directed that, when I felt ready for this, to choose a fine day for them to be released into the sea at the northern end of Mona Vale Beach where Sandra’s ashes had been scattered in the sea in 2010.  

On 31 January 2022 Nett’s wishes were finally carried out.  Joined by Peter, Yvette, Leo , Miles and Ian Hamilton the ceremony was performed at the appointed place.  It was indeed a fine day as she had asked for.  It was a quiet, sombre occasion.  I brought many flowers from plantings from our home that Nett herself had established many years before and these were scattered over the sea with the ashes.

Nett could now reach out through the oceans to her son Michael and to her friend Sandra who had preceded her into the seas many years before.

Bon voyage, Nett!

 

Annette May Carter Danckwerts:  Love….Laughter….Life

 

Next Page:   Nett’s Legacy