Life goes on, as they say. And there were many elements of Nett’s life that continued on after her death. This chapter looks at how some of these elements have played out.
But first, a look back at how Nett’s life with me began . . .
The first time I met Nett was at a Christmas/housewarming party in Canberra in December 1965. I have just three distinct images in my mind from this occasion, very much like still photographs. The first is of me sitting down on the floor next to this very attractive girl. (We sat on the floor because there were not many chairs there). We struck up a conversation during which she mentioned her “clients” at work. Trying to be funny I made an appalling joke along the lines of “I only know one profession where women have clients!”. It’s a wonder that our relationship wasn’t stillborn there and then but she merely smiled politely. My next image is of me commandeering an armchair and persuading her to sit on my lap. She must have liked me even then as I was able to ask her out the next day and get her address and phone number. My third image comes from after she had left the party. I stood in front of Sonya, who had organised this evening, and asked her if she knew Annette’s surname. She pondered for a moment, then said “Carter”.
The next day I took Nett to a swimming beach on the Cotter River with friends from my Lawley House hostel.
The rest is history.
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Canada is where my friend Fil now lives. We’ve been friends for even longer than I’d known Nett. Indeed, he’d even been there at the party where I first met her. He moved to Canada during our honeymoon to study for his PhD in psychology and never came back to live in Australia after that, though he often returned for visits. He eventually married a Canadian girl, Harriet Pemberton-Smith. Over the years they both visited us many times, mainly during Australian summers, to escape at least part of the Canadian winter. By contrast we’d only visited them at their home in Ottawa just the once.
In her last days Nett strongly urged me to make the trip to Canada to spend some time with Fil. She knew that this would be an important part of the healing process for me after she died. So it was, on 31 July 2019, that I boarded my Air Canada flight to Vancouver. This was my first time out of Sydney in over two years and I was apprehensive about how I would cope on my own. Nett had always been there to shepherd me through potentially difficult travel situations arising from my deafness. In the event it all went very smoothly and it turned out to be a most relaxing trip.
Fil and Harriet, like the good friends they are, were warm, understanding and generous in their hospitality. We spoke often about Nett and the times we’d enjoyed together in the past. I presented them with a framed print of this picture. I couldn’t remember when or where it had been taken. However, It must have been in more recent years, and most likely during one of our many trips together to the Hunter Valley wine region, north of Sydney. (The bag on the table bears the name of a Hunter Valley winery)
Now on my own with Fil and Harriet in Canada, the three of us went out for meals several times, just as we had previously done as a foursome on hundreds of occasions, including the one pictured above. My only bad moments on this trip occurred when I was confronted with seeing the empty fourth seat at our restaurant tables. But it was good for me to be able to relax and unwind in such a supportive environment as they provided for me.
After leaving Fil and Harriet in Ottawa I stopped off in Toronto for a couple of days. Nett and I had spent two years there from 1967 to 1969. Almost everything had, of course, changed beyond recognition, but two things still remained as they were. Our old apartment building at 255 Glenlake Avenue looked exactly as I remembered it and was, quite surprisingly, just as well maintained as it had been then.
I stood outside the door of our old apartment 2109. It seemed incredible to think that all of fifty years had passed since I’d last walked through that door with Nett. I would have loved to see inside the place again, though obviously I had no right to knock on that door to ask if I could enter! As I stood there I thought back with deep emotions about how our life together had been inside there all that time ago.
Then, at nearby High Park (now quite different and more heavily wooded than I remembered it) I found that the famous “Hippie” statue, a well known feature of the park, was still there. It had been established there in 1967, just a few months before we moved into our apartment. Nett and I had often patted it as we walked past it.
Several times while walking around in Toronto I had the eerie sensation that Nett was with me. I felt strongly that she was sitting on my left shoulder in miniature form. She did not speak to me, or even acknowledge me, just looked very intently ahead as if watching out for me. This was the only time I had felt her presence since the days immediately after her death. On that occasion Peter and I had both sensed her smiling down at us from the sky as we went about our preparations for her funeral. This time, in Toronto, I also found her presence to be enormously comforting. Perhaps she wanted to again share the experience of being with me in this city where we had lived for two years.
Stopping off in Vancouver before the flight back to Sydney I made a nostalgic trip (bus and walk) through Stanley Park. Nett and I had visited this place on our initial arrival in Canada back in 1967. There was little on this occasion to remind me of that earlier visit, and it was a different season then anyway. But Nett would have loved to be there with me this time around to see it again in its glorious beauty.
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Our neighbours where we had lived in our common property at 2 Auluba Road, Turramurra were always an important part of our life there. There are three fully detached villas on this site. We had occupied Villa 1, John and Helen Deall were in Villa 2, and Margaret Sutch lived in Villa 3. The three households lived happily together for over 11 years from when we moved there in February 2007 until the time of Nett’s death. We were a harmonious group, always having a friendly dinner together at each of our homes in turn every December. This was after our annual general meeting at which we amicably discussed body corporate affairs.
Nett’s warm and charming personality was the key to us all getting on so well together. I have a vivid memory of her and Margaret often standing together in the open space between our villas for lengthy “courtyard chats” as I called them, sometimes also joined by Helen. Often when I look out over the courtyard now from my place I still see them there in my mind’s eye. Nett’s death brought a major change to our communal atmosphere. Without her bonding presence our moods became more sombre and withdrawn for quite some time.
Margaret had worked hard and creatively over the years to establish a magnificent garden around the common property. It was a sad day when she decided to leave, in September 2019, to be closer to her son and his family near the Gold Coast. Another couple now occupy Villa 3. They, of course, never knew Nett.
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Our home at Villa 1 has changed very little since Nett was with me. It was an easy decision for me to remain here after her death with all the advantages that it offered that had attracted us to it in the first place. It was comfortably spacious for the two of us, now rather large for just me.
I have changed it very little, both inside and in the garden. Initially I found it so hard to come home from an outing knowing that she would not be there to greet me any more. But now I feel more comfortable here, surrounded as I am by her lovely home decor and all the mementos of our life together. These bring me many happy memories, though often tinged with great sadness at my loss. For me, her spirit will always continue to pervade every part of this home.
The greatest change in the house has been in the kitchen. Nett was a brilliant cook and had many appliances there. By contrast I don’t cook at all, living mainly on takeaways and pre-cooked microwaved meals. The appliances have now been stowed away and the food cupboards and fridge are now relatively bare.
Nett had been a great hoarder, rarely throwing anything out. There are an unusually large number of cupboards in this place and they were all crammed with stuff that she did nothing with. Much of this was inherited from her parents, from her aunt Gwen and particularly from her friend Sandra’s large collection of ornaments left over from her failed antiques business. A lot of my time has been taken up with clearing out these cupboards and disposing of their contents, mostly to charities. There is still much more of this to do. I think she would be happy with most of my decisions so far. I hope so anyway.
Nett took on a cleaning couple in her last years and I have kept them on. They keep the house spotless, something that I would never be able to do on my own.
Nett had given me no instructions for the garden other than to keep up the watering and fertilising. Most of the plants are natives anyway and have so far largely survived my negligent care and the extreme weather conditions that have become so prevalent. Shane was our gardener during Nett’s time and he continued to keep everything tidy for me for another two and a half years before leaving. Even the pot plants have mostly been doing well, which would certainly surprise Nett if she could see them now.
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Nett’s Book Club was a major feature of her life (and mine too) over her last ten years. She had started it in 2007, being inspired by her brother Robert’s literary success, and he himself attended the first few meetings. However, since he lived a long way away in Bellingen it was not possible for him to keep this up.
Apart from Robert, Nett’s dearest friend, Sandra Montague, was an inaugural member until her untimely death in early 2010. Also there from the start, apart from myself, were my sister Laura and another close friend of Nett’s, Saguna Bingham. Many others joined and left during the club’s lifetime in response to flyers posted in bookshops and local libraries, but in the end just three of these additional members remained: Barbara Smith, Thelma Murphy and Jane Dale.
The club was also joined once a year by our good Canadian friends, Fil and Harriet Young, during their annual summer visits to our shores. They also contributed many interesting books for our reading and discussion.
The club met monthly at our home, with a book for discussion chosen by each member in turn. Many wonderful books were discussed over the years, as well as a few duds. But this gathering was far more than just a book club. All meetings started with an hour or so of friendly and lively chat before getting down to the serious business of books. The final seven members formed a strong bond with each other and became good friends for Nett with lots of interactions between meetings.
In particular, Laura, Saguna and Barbara were staunch supporters for Nett during her final months in hospitals and at home. They each came to visit her at least once every week. This support for her became so crucial for Nett during those most difficult of times and it was greatly appreciated by her (and by me). All of the final members of the book club were present at her funeral.
Six months after Nett’s death, just before Christmas 2018, Barbara hosted a lunch for the remaining members of the book club. Laura, Saguna, Jane and myself were there. Thelma was unable to attend. We discussed the possibility of continuing the club in some form. However, none of us felt able to provide the leadership and cohesiveness that Nett had provided so well. The club could never be the same without her. Reluctantly the decision was made to disband it. Some have since joined other book clubs. I myself have taken up quite a lot of reading on my own, something I would never have done before the club was formed. There has been a lasting legacy for all of us from this club.
Nett predicted to me that the club members would continue to support me after her death, and this has indeed been the case. I meet regularly with Laura every week at her home. Jane drops in regularly to my place for coffee and a chat. I have had lunch with Saguna and also with Barbara on several occasions. These and other interactions look set to go on for a long time yet. From my point of view they continue to be a wonderful source of ongoing strength, support and comfort. I feel enormously blessed to have this.
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Nett liked her jewellery as much as anyone did. She had very nice engagement and wedding rings. I now bring these out on our special anniversaries each year and grieve for what I have lost.
She was particularly fond of her Gucci watch with its range of different coloured bezels which she could match to whatever she was wearing at the time. On a day to day basis, however, she preferred elegant craft jewellery rather than precious stones. She always had wonderful dress sense. In my bedroom I now have her three favourite pieces of neckwear hanging on a wall as a personal memento for me.
Nett also accumulated a large number of rings from various sources, some thirty in all. She directed that I should gift these to all her female relatives on both sides of our families and also to her close friends. This I have done and they were very much appreciated by them all.
She also left a large amount of costume jewellery which has now been passed on to Yvette.
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Nett’s bucket list of wished-for travel destinations remained only partly fulfilled despite the extensive amount of travelling that we were able to accomplish in our retirement years.
Often when we read the weekend Travel section of our newspaper we thought of more places that we would like to see.
Within Australia we had in mind a Murray River paddle steamer cruise, a Darwin to Perth shoreline cruise taking in the unique features of the NW Australia coast, and visits to the Flinders Ranges and Coober Pedy in South Australia. We would have also liked to tour the Riverina district of NSW, though this would have been better done while we still had our caravan.
Overseas we had in mind cruises along the coast of Alaska and the Norway fjords, and down the rivers of France. Also cruises to the Greek Islands and to Iceland and Greenland. With Nett’s love of train travel we were also thinking about the Trans Siberia rail trip and a Blue Train tour in South Africa.
I found during my recent time in Canada that I hated travelling alone, so I have no immediate plans to do any of these trips myself.
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Our grandsons were still very young when Nett died. Leo and Miles were just short of their seventh and third birthdays respectively. Nett’s ultimate regret was not being able to see the boys grow and develop. Before her cancer struck she had plans to train as a volunteer ethics teacher at a NSW Public school, hopefully one where one of her grandsons might be in her class. She would have been brilliant at this, but sadly it was not to be.
Nett and I were able to spend some time with Leo in his younger years. We took him regularly to a playground at a nearby park in Stanmore once a week. Leo declared at that time that Nett was his “best friend”. Our home became his “second favourite” place. We babysat for Leo several times while Peter and Yvette went out for dinner or entertainment. We were also able to take him when he was five to a stage performance of “Aladdin” which he absolutely loved.
We were never able to do any of this for Miles, though we certainly wanted to. Nett’s illness had progressed too far to make any of this possible.
Leo at 8½ in 2020
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The Passing Parade.
After Nett’s death, life continued for the rest of the world. Inevitably, however, the time came for some of those who had been part of her life to come to the end of theirs. This section is an acknowledgement of these individuals and the parts they played in Nett’s life story.
Marie Hamilton (Yvette’s mother) died suddenly at home on 21 June 2018 at the age of 74. Her cause of death was apparently some sort of brain aneurism. As co-grandmothers to Leo and Miles, she and Nett had formed a common bond. They had often gravitated to each other at family gatherings. With husband Ian she had several times visited Nett during her last months in hospitals. Her death, on the eve of Nett’s funeral, meant that Leo and Miles lost both grandmothers within eight days of each other.
Fran Carter (Nett’s sister-in-law, wife of her brother Brian) died at a Brisbane nursing home on 18 January 2021 at the age of 74. She had been suffering from both Parkinsons disease and Alzheimers disease, the latter of which had also affected both her parents. She is particularly remembered for our tour around the UK in 1968, her hospitality over many years at her farm home in Girvan, NSW, the two “Opera in the Paddock” concerts that the four of us attended together near Inverell in 2007-8, and the part she played with Nett in supporting the cast and crew during the filming of “Thirst” in 2010.
Don Westlake (my brother-in-law, husband of my sister Laura) died at home on 14 August 2021 at the age of 90. He had been suffering from dementia and congestive heart failure. He had been a brilliant musician (clarinettist) in his day. As Laura’s partner for over 40 years he was an integral part of Nett’s extended family.
Jill (Lloyd) Danckwerts (my stepmother) died in a Suffolk nursing home on 2 April 2022 at the age of over 90. With my father she had visited us in Australia in the early years of their marriage, and we had visited them at their home in Hartest, Suffolk in their later years. She had been a part of our extended family for over 40 years.
Nett 