After seeing the result of her abdominal ultrasound scan Nett’s GP had immediately referred her to a specialist gynaecological surgeon, Dr Sue Valmadre.
Nett’s appointment took place on 6 April 2016 the day before her 76th birthday. She was called in to see the doctor while I waited outside in an agony of helplessness. She was not in for long. I will never forget the frozen look on her face when she came out. She did not look at me but went straight to the reception desk to pay her account. I knew immediately, with a sense of absolute horror, that the news was going to be the worst. She took my arm and said to me in a tight voice, “Let’s get in the car, I’ll tell you then.” In the car she showed me some diagrams that the doctor had given her with some areas of internal organs ominously shaded. Nett went on in a choking voice: “The doctor says I have primary peritoneal cancer. She says that it can be treated but it will always come back.” I was too stunned to speak. Then came the hammer blow: “She says I will have just two good years left.”
Nett went on to tell me that the doctor had immediately arranged for her to have surgery for a hysterectomy as well as to remove as much cancer as she could find. This surgery would take place at North Shore Private Hospital three days later.
This news was far worse than anything we could have imagined. Our minds were in a chaotic whirl. But we had little time to dwell on our new circumstances as Nett had to immediately prepare for her surgery.
On the day of the operation Peter and Yvette and our two grandsons gathered beside Nett in support at the hospital. She was able to give Leo and 8-months old Miles a hug before being wheeled in for her operation.
Two hours passed in an agony of waiting before we finally got the news. The surgery had gone as well as could be expected. All the cancer that could be found had been excised except for a small amount on her bowel where there was too great a risk of a perforation in trying to remove it. Nett was able to talk briefly to her family afterwards. Leo was fascinated by all the flashing lights on the monitors that Nett was wired up to! They left, feeling somewhat more optimistic than they had earlier that morning. I stayed a while longer then was asked to leave to allow her to get some rest.
Nett’s eventual release from hospital came after two weeks in recovery. She had a major incision running from her navel to her pubis. We now had plenty of time to talk things over. Our lives had changed irrevocably. Our discussions revolved endlessly around our new situation. It was impossible to think too far ahead as there was so much uncertainty as to what was going to happen. What would her treatment be? How long would it take? What side effects would there be? If the “two good years” that Dr Valmadre had spoken of was just an average figure, then was it possible that Nett might have longer than this? Would we be able to go ahead with a cargo ship cruise in North Queensland in July that we had earlier booked? Our talking went round in circles without reaching any conclusions. All we could decide was that we would try to lead as normal a life as possible and take things as they came. This was easier said than done.
After more rest at home Nett had an appointment with an oncologist, Dr Sally Baron-Hay, at the Northern Cancer Institute at St Leonards. This place was to become very familiar to us over the next 18 months. The doctor immediately told us to forget about our planned North Queensland cargo ship cruise as we would be too far from any urgent specialist treatment that might arise.
Dr Sally, as we came to know her, carried out a number of assessments and tests before deciding that Nett was strong enough to commence chemotherapy. This would involve intravenous sessions of two chemotherapy fluids lasting two hours each week for 18 weeks. The treatment commenced on 18 May, some six weeks after her surgery. Nett had an early blood test at the start of each session to ensure that it was safe to continue.
So how was Nett coping with this catastrophic turn in her life? This could have led to utter despair and a complete breakdown in her attitude to what was to come. In fact, just the opposite occurred. She reacted with total dignity and calm acceptance of whatever the future would bring. She told everyone that she did not fear death, only the pain that might accompany it. And she said the same thing to me in private so it wasn’t just a public show of bravado. Her attitude was inspiring to all around her, and particularly to me. This in turn helped all of us to be strong in our support for her in her greatest time of need. My admiration for her great mental strength remains unbounded, both then and now.
When I say “all of us” I mean many people. Peter and Yvette, despite having full time jobs and two young sons to care for, were magnificent throughout. It was always a long drive from Stanmore but they came to visit her many times every week. Nett’s brothers, Brian and Robert, though living far away, never failed to keep in touch and still managed to visit several times. Nett’s three closest friends from her book club, Barbara, Saguna and my sister Laura, each came round to our home at least once a week. And our neighbours were always on hand for her. The support of all these people was enormously important to Nett in helping her to carry her ongoing burden.
Laura is my youngest sister. She has been a constant friend and support to us both over many years. She still supports me now with weekly get-togethers over coffee. A PhD in medical science, she had a long-term relationship with a prominent musician, Don Westlake, before they married late in life. She and Don have a daughter, Kristin, and two grandsons and a granddaughter through her. Laura lives near me in Terrey Hills.
Nett had severe reactions to the chemotherapy from the start. She suffered continual nausea and irregular bowels. She was afflicted with neuropathy, which gave her soreness and numbness in her lower legs. She was on lots of medications for these, on top of her previous asthma treatment. Possibly most alarmingly, her blood cell count dropped to the point where she needed frequent blood transfusions. Then her hair fell out rapidly, so she was fitted with a wig (which she really liked!).
On the plus side, however, the chemo treatment was clearly working as her cancer quickly went into remission. This, for her, made up for all the discomfort and made everything worthwhile.
Nett finished her chemo treatment a couple of weeks early and then started on a three year trial for an oral anti-cancer medication called Veliparib. She had to take up to eight pills a day for this. These pills were a bilious green in colour and added to her nausea but she persisted with this program for as long as she could on the chance that it could lead to some form of recovery. As a result of being on this program she continued to receive regular consultations with her oncologist, Dr Sally.
Nett was able to keep up her outside life with bridge, book club, cinema, theatre outings, etc. But after all these months of intensive treatment we felt that we needed to get out into the wider world away from home. In November we took the opportunity to escape from Sydney to a couple of “Luxury Escape” two-day getaways. The first was to the Hotel Kurrajong in Canberra where both of us had stayed, at different times, on our first arrivals in Canberra back in the 1960s. This was a great nostalgic trip to our past lives to a place that both of us still remembered! We also visited Parliament House and sat in the visitors’ gallery for a Question Time session which was fascinating.
The second getaway, two weeks later, was to the Palais Royale Hotel in Katoomba, a forgettable occasion. But it was good for us both to get out of Sydney for a few days.
Our diary entry for 21 December records a hair appointment for Nett. Her hair was growing back!
In early January the following year (2017) Nett and I took Leo to a stage performance of a Disney production of Aladdin at the Capitol Theatre in the city. Leo was absolutely spellbound by this show and talked about it for weeks afterwards! We were so delighted to be able to take him on this outing.
A few days later, 21 January was the occasion of our Golden Wedding Anniversary. We booked a luxury suite on the 12th floor of the Shangri La Hotel in The Rocks to celebrate. It had wonderful views over Sydney Harbour, taking in the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House. Nett was able to complete a long walk around Barangaroo and Millers Point on our first morning there, so it was good to see her strength returning. Peter and Yvette joined us for dinner in our suite that evening to celebrate the occasion. There was an unexpected fireworks display on the harbour late that night to cap off a great occasion!
On Dr Sally’s recommendation Nett signed up for several sessions at a specialist exercise clinic at Crows Nest. There the regimen was tailored to her specific condition, and Nett was able to gain some benefit from this program.
All this time we were fully aware of the fact that Nett was now living on borrowed time. But we did our best to live for the present, taking each day as it came. We were largely successful in this and managed to keep any intrusive dark thoughts at bay as far as possible. There was nothing more that we could do about our situation beyond what we were already doing.
In March of that year (2017) Nett accompanied Yvette to a feminist rally “All About Women” at the Opera House, an annual event. This was an International Womens Day event. Nett was particularly impressed by the Australian feminist writer Clementine Ford, especially when she openly breast fed her baby on stage! Nett had, of course, always been fully supportive of the overall feminist agenda. They only went for half a day at this year’s event but vowed to attend the full day program the following year. Sadly, this was not to be.
We now felt able to get away for a longer holiday, so in April we booked a week on Norfolk Island. Our package there included a lovely cottage, a rental car and a number of tourist events. All this turned out to be perfect for Nett, not too tiring and plenty of interesting things to see and do. And the weather, as had so often happened for us during all our holidays, was great! There was so much early colonial history and culture to take in. Nett loved it.
From the time when we first met in Canberra, driving together had always been a major feature of our lives. This was especially the case when we had our caravan. As it turned out, our time on Norfolk Island was, sadly, to be our last motoring holiday, though we didn’t know it at the time. But it was good on this occasion to drive about in a new and interesting place and to see what was round the next corner!
It was around this time that Nett came across the writings of the Italian writer Elena Ferrante. Her four book series, known as the Neapolitan Novels, gave her particular pleasure in reading them. She assured me that these books were addressed to women and not to men like me! I eventually gave these books to Yvette as a birthday present.
Two months later, in June, we flew to Cairns to go on the cargo ship cruise which we had originally planned for the previous year. My sister Griselda and her husband Cam were able to take our place then so we got their advice on the best cabin to book! Just before leaving on this trip I fractured my ankle slipping on a wet footpath. Fortunately it was a clean break, requiring no plaster or strapping, but it did restrict me to hobbling around the ship and on shore. The ship’s facilities were rather spartan and the shore excursions not very interesting. Horn and Thursday Islands offered little more than relics from the wartime Japanese invasions. However, this trip certainly made a change from our previous more luxurious cruises! We stopped off in Brisbane on the way back to spend a few days with Nett’s brother Brian and his wife Fran, together with their daughter Lyndal and her two young sons.
Our diary entry for 25 October records what would have been our last game of bridge together at Club Willoughby. I don’t think we did very well on this occasion, scoring less than 50%. But, over the years, bridge had been a wonderful outlet for Nett, as well as for me. We played exclusively with each other as partners. She thoroughly enjoyed the mental challenges that the game posed for her and the friendships that we made at this club. She proved that, despite her denials, she was in fact quite numerate, as one had to be to play bridge successfully. And we had indeed been quite successful as a pair. We reached the rank of Regional Master with over 72 masterpoints by the time our partnership ended on this day.
Our normal home-based activities continued as usual through the rest of the year. Unfortunately, Nett continued to be plagued by pain and also by the nausea from the various treatments and medications that she was receiving. Her reflux was becoming so bad that she could no longer sleep in the new Tempur bed that we had bought the previous Christmas, even at its maximum elevation. She could now only sleep without getting reflux by sitting upright in her lounge chair at nights. Scans and tests by her GP and an endoscopy by her gastroenterologist failed to find a conclusive cause of these problems. Her overall quality of life was now getting worse.
There was also increasing concern from Dr Sally that Nett’s cancer might be returning, though her own tests and scans were also proving inconclusive. Accordingly a new program of chemo was scheduled, with different chemicals, starting on 28 December. A second treatment was administered a week later, on 5 January 2018. Her Veliparib trial was stopped.
So we started the year 2018 with some optimism that this new chemo treatment would bring another period of remission for Nett, hopefully some improvement in her general well-being, and the opportunity to do more with our lives during the year.
Next Page: The End
Nett 